My life is now better than the books I read and movies I watch. Imagine that.

Imagine that!

Sunshine sunshine sunshine. I can now do anything, tolerate anything, be anything I want.

Oh the mood swings talaga. Maybe I'm bipolar.

And... Okay, I blog here again after 2 years.

Who would have thought that this would happen? I feel like I've experienced so much in a month. And cringe I might at all the things written here in the past, I will stop all the censorship (at least most of it) from here on because anyone who's reading this probably deserves to, for unearthing this fossil of a blog.

I'm so freaking happy, it's scary. When one get's numb from feeling vaguely sad all the time, it's a huge adjustment. I'm really, really scared. I have so much to lose now. It's like something pushed me over the edge of the cliff, and now I'm flying, and I'm never going to hit the ground. The ground does not exist. But then, what if one day, the ground hits me like one big SMACK and I die?

I can never unlearn cynicism.

On the other hand, I've learned happiness, and that's a good neutralizer.

 

Don't leave me, please.

 

oh my freaking gosh i am so stressed. so effing stressed wth................

1. study hours are lacking, I AM PANICKING. seriously, not to be a dork or anything, but, talagang i need more study time. i feel like super underprepared when i don't study as much as i have to. this is the first time that happened to me, but then, it's also the first time i actually NEED this. i NEED high grades to DL. And it's not just nag-iinarte ako or anything, but if I don't finish my college in 3 years, I'm screwed. My whole life is actually screwed. My permanent resident status in the States will be screwed if i spend another year here (not that I'm complaining, but my dad will war BIG TIME with me).

2. money. I can't believe I'm thinking of this. It's also the first time I've encountered feeling like this about money. I've never realized how money can be so important; it DOES make the world go round. now that i'm budgeting, i'm counting EVERY single peso. no, really. I need to make my budget per month fit. And the thing is, it almost won't! I need to tell sina yaya not to cook so much to really make it fit. I can actually ask for more per month, but I would be soo guilty to. I need to lessen my electric bill. I need to lessen my water bill. I'm even cutting my newspaper subscription to save. What happened was kasi, I never expected to commute so much. Neither did my mom, I think. When she was thinking of the carpool, I think she allotted all my transpo budget there. But then, the carpool thing doesn't even really work--and it's so freaking expensive! I would really REALLY rather commute all the time na lang. It's waaaay cheaper, and I'm free-er, and I don't need to worry about people waiting on me.

and another problem is, my mom didn't give me blank checks!!! oh my gosh, she totally forgot. Eh I need those to pay electric, water bills. And also tuition. And fuck, I just need blank checks. I can't pay all those in cash! wheeeeeeeere do i get that? i need to talk to my mom.

3. sleep. I lack sleep too.

4. clothes. dammit, i know this is super shallow, and i'm not really complaining for lack of clothes. but it's another stressor in my everyday life to think of what to wear. if i need closed shoes or not (for lab). if i have classes dress-coded. if ive worn that particular thing. if i have pe and should i just wear my pe attire all day. and this thinking of clothes really adds up when you do it everyday, when it gets harder and harder to think of combinations, and when you're doing it every t-th before 6 o clock in the morning.